This is something that makes me think about my past, my present and my future. I just cannot undo the past, what is done; is done! The present is something I current have in hand, I work with what I have and I pray the Lord to lead me each and every step of the way. Thinking back on the past I realise that I have made some seriously bad decisions and I just have no idea how I can ever rectify them. I also realise that it doesn’t help me to sit and worry about what happened and see how I should have acted. The fact remains, it’s in the past.
Currently I am working on my attitude and to be honest I am really negative as a person, I don’t see the positive of a situation unless it is pointed out or very obvious to me. That is difficult as I tend to be really very hard on myself. I am my worst enemy, when I feel that I have made a mistake or spoken ill of someone, I really break myself down to almost nothing. Hard to believe that I can do that but it seems one of the traits I have practised for so long it is difficult to stop.
I started to go and look for answers for this problem, as it is a real problem for me. I then realised that I actually don’t know and really have the ability to love people. Now as someone that is quite knowledgeable on the Bible and has made it my business to study and learn as much as possible on this subject I failed to learn how to love people. Don’t laugh its rather serious! How is it possible to teach and preach to other people the Word of God and you don’t even care or love them? I pose the question to you. Is this possible? It is, I have been doing this for so long I never realised that I just have no compassion, kindness or affection towards people, I cry automatically when I feel sorry for them but I really cannot say that I love them. Drastic measures needs to be taken. I started working on my attitude for one, thinking about the pain, hardship and discomfort and trying to learn how to forgive people and accept them for whom they are. This of course is a process and to be honest I am working hard on it. I then started praying about my problem and God is faithful and creates situations that make me feel so uncomfortable. People that love to give one a kiss and a hug gives me the “hebie jibes”. I literarily cringe, if they are not my family it is really hard for me to give them the same treatment.
So the process is ongoing and I am working at being kinder, listening to people and not assuming they are on the attack. I am also working on how I view people so as not to down grade them before I have even spoken to them. Not forgetting forgiving people. Hmm you think that’s simple they say “I’m sorry” and tomorrow they do the same thing over again, compulsive apologies don’t work for me and the I start to merit them. Not trustworthy and unreliable and then of course I lose interest and cannot be bothered with such a person. The hard fact of the matter is why should I be stuck with people that disappointment me constantly and think it’s okay. No, move on.
Then God and the Holy Spirit come along and remind me of what Jesus taught the His disciples, “For if you forgive others their sins, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, your Father will not forgive you your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15). Eina!!!!
So currently; I believe God for 2nd Chances, I have so many hang-ups and problems but I still keep going back to the source (my Bible).